Countess of Brighton and Hackney Diaries

The Countess has been inundated with letters begging for help from the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney and even beyond. Please note that I make every effort to catch up with the backlog and that all correspondence to the palace will be answered....................eventually.

Yesterday I was in receipt of this desperate cry for help.

Problem is, ek is afrikaans...help!

Wouter. (Photo enclosed).

Dear Wouter,

It is not a problem that you are Afrikaans. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are one of the most beautiful people that live in the kingdom of Brighton and I would say that this is entirely down to the fact that you are an Afrikaner. Think also of your courage and bravery, having come to this land in much the same way as your ancestors, the Voortrekkers. And how interesting that the Voortrekker flag is so similar to the Union Jack. (Much nicer than the new South African flag, which to be fair looks like a pair of underpants.)

Now I must share something with you which is not widely known. I was once impregnated by a Voortrekker with such gusto and charm, as was his way, and as I recall spread over the...............Voortrekker Monument located on Monument Hill overlooking Pretoria......that the Countess was marched home post haste by the palace aides. It was too late of course and so the Baron Rupert de la Mare was upon us some nine months hence.

That means that there are at least two of you in my kingdom of Brighton and that that is practically a majority in this fair city of mongrels and bastards.

Be proud, Wouter, be very proud.

📷

Voortrekker flag

bearing a striking resemblance

to the Union Jack

© 2005-2020 Goddamn Media