The Countess of Brighton and Hackney Diaries

This Wednesday past brought many visitors to the palace. Lady Emily of the Whiters had arranged with her staff to create pizza bases and a range of toppings made from fine ingredients from Italy......the feast was most excellent and there was not a scrap remaining at the end of the evening. One had hoped for left overs (for the staff of course, the Countess does not partake in leftovers) but alas there was nothing remaining. Lady Diana of the Lauries was most entertaining and stayed for longer than is usual and we are all hopeful that she is to partake in alcoholic beverages quite soon after the abstinence which seems so long lived. And your Countess was most pleased to accept from her a whole round of extremely smelly sample that was to be most enjoyed during the ensuing days by visitors to the palace. I have hence forgiven her for taking the last one home so unexpectedly. Keith of the Morleys, the famous artist Martin Middleton, Lady Flick, Lady Juliet, Biggy, Sir Martin of the Freedman clan and even the Baron Rupert were in attendance...... probably due to rumours of the impending pizza. I overheard the staff and the cook discussing the size of Martin of the Middletons hands. They seemed quite fixated upon them and were of a mind that it would suggest greatness in other areas......I am assuming they referred to his artistic abilities but I have no idea if this is proven. Sir Keith had brought samples of fake grass to that palace. As an arbiter of taste I am of course obliged to advise my subjects and colleagues upon certain things. Sir Keith and Martin of the Middletons are to build a floating platform for a celebratory festival later in the year and needed my advice. The small square samples of green fluff amused the Foxy Warrior greatly and she sampled them as bikini bottoms, so I thought, although later when I spoke to Della, she was to advice me that the Foxy one was considering them for merkins. I was again to ask Della about what exactly a merkin one there present seemed willing to discuss it. Della has said that she believes it is a foreign item used to attract flies. Sometimes it strikes me that Della romances around the truth......I am none the wiser. Now imagine my surprise when Tranny Ana arrived fresh from France. Seemingly her travels have occupied her to the extent that she was unable to inform me of her absence. I was to consider ceasing her contract with the palace as her duties as my second lady in waiting have been grossly neglected for some months. My secretary and my business advisor, even mother, have begged that I consider her loyalties. Alas when I brought up the issues with Tranny Ana she was to begin to cry and to beg that I reinstate her as her increasing years are causing her concern regards suitable employment. Furthermore she is still paying off huge sums of money that she paid for her bosoms and other reconstructions. Also of course, as Della has told me, Tranny Ana has been gaining access to the Countess' walk-in wardrobes and the wig store. Some times I can smell strange aromas upon my items.......I am loath to question where Tranny Ana ventures although I am of a suspicion that she frequents many strange places around the globe. And thus is my retain Tranny Ana as a charitable action. Also this week we were treated at the palace to the Lady Emily of the Whiters in full Lady Gaga regalia.....she looked resplendent and several of my visitors were quite transfixed by her presence......and her physique. I have been forced to reprimand the Foxy Warrior as she was caught in a more than compromising position with Miguel the butler. She assures me it was a temporary lapse of judgement and that it will not happen again. Miguel seems to be attracting much attention from all the staff.....from scullery maid to even my lady in waiting, Della, who should know better than to hide in cupboards to observe the butler at his business. I also overheard the maids discussing big brown arms......I do not think they were talking about the palace guns. I was even more concerned when one of the staff reported a pair of knickers in Miguel's fridge in his quarters. I interrogated the staff but none would admit to any wrong doing. I am hopeful that English Spanish relations are still going as hoped and have decided not to worry the Spaniards about this turn of events.....Miguel is of fine stock and I am not for upsetting them unnecessarily. Sky, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies attended the Palace in order to celebrate that she has been accepted into college where she is to study 'oligies' .......we are all pleased that finally one of the Countess offspring may have a chance at a more rewarding career in terms of finance.......after all the Palace does not run itself and I am still to find husband. Keith of the Morleys seems to have over represented himself and may not be an option after all. Jono of Eire and Prince Mark of the Trigwells visited the Palace as did The Lady Pembleton-Fraser. Such fun we had in conversations of life and the world........although they also found the walk in wardrobes and the wig store most entertaining. There seems to be a trend developing and I am to simply travel with its flow. Prince Mark is a sensitive beast and it was a pleasure to see him again after so long. Jono of Eire, fractious as ever was to cause his belligerence to aggravate Sir Peter Jarrette who had popped by the palace later. It is of little consequence as we are all now adept at ignoring him. My years of parenting have led to a level of expertise in this area..........the Countess knows when it is bedtime. Palace celebrations went on until Saturday where I was to attend some charitable events in Soho and beyond. I was to meet King Tommy Mcdonnel who supplied vodka from Russia at a birthday party in London for his associate. He was most convivial and entertaining. His effervescence quite contagious and I am hoping to see him very soon, perhaps on my birthday. I was also to meet his son who seemingly has eyes for the Queen of the Mushroom Fairies......I am to have his seat checked for suitability before I pass his details on. I believe he has been tempted by her red rubber dress photograph....... Tranny Ana took me then to other places with a strange atmosphere and where I was confused about the genders and the dispositions of the guests. I presume it was King Tommy's Russian vodka that had caused my befuddlement. Whatever the case I was mostly suitably entertained by fabulous individuals, some even who seemed like road workers in very avant guard. Sunday we were to celebrate the sunshine in Bedford Gardens with dear Biggy. I still await his official portraits of the Countess and have discovered that he has been so entirely busy because he has constructed a book of photographs.......The said book, which is clearly competition for my importance at least temporarily, is available here Let us hope that Biggy is now able to concentrate on his Countess more effectively. It was a fine day for the barbecue. The Lovely Lady Emily of the Wrights arrived along with Paul of the Hewett clan, Lord Dubble-Yew and many others. The fare was excellent although fairly I have never seen so many sausages. Lady Diana of the Laurie clan met and fair fell in love with Paul of the Hewetts and we were almost forced to throw cooling waters over them as they cavorted in the sun on a bench. I was later to attend the Palace of M where my lovely Sir Peter Jarrette was in attendance. The evening turned even better when I was invited to his castle in Beverly Dials and was returned home in golden carriage the next day. His cleaner had been given the day off and I am hoping that he was able to cope. I am thanking goodness now for allowing me to rest, although I believe it will be short lived as I have much business to attend to and another charity event at the Palace tomorrow. My civic duties keep me in good trim although I have neglected Hackney of late. Sadly the Foxy Warrior is ill of stomach and I am to give her time off.............her absence makes me quite nervous of course but I am promised that she will be with me this very Saturday to carry out civic duties in the centre of town. I am too thrilled to see that my photographer, La Frangi, Diana of Argentina, has images of the Palace cheerleaders in the Latest Seven publication. I am to recover soon from the fact that the image of the Foxy Warrior is so much bigger than my own. The Countess is gracious and her breeding and training have combined to cause me not to be vain, although I am finding it most agonising and have asked Della to get something for my constitution from the palace physician as soon as possible.

News that the Baron is to be filmed for the BBC is most welcome. His fame and glory proceed one hopes ever forward. He is to be part of a program about graffiti art and the Countess is most excited about the prospect.

And finally this week I welcomed home the Duchy of cake and Ice Ice Baby who had such fun and frolicking in Las Vegas. I await cake as it is yet not forthcoming. God bless Brighton and Hackney! Location: Brighton, The City of Brighton and Hove, UK

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